Avoiding My Bed

Today...

I had to watch Weston at 8AM, and I was super tired.  He's gotten into this habit of saying, "bababababababababababa" in a creepy voice, haha.  It's darling.  Unless you're trying to sleep! So we got up and had breakfast: of course, once we got up for the day, that's when he decided to take a nap.  So I put him to sleep on the couch and I got on Facebook and Michael chatted me.  It was extremely difficult to talk to him.  But I did it.  I felt like I had to do it...like it was the next step in moving forward or something.  It seemed like a good idea at the time, but considering how I feel right now, it was too soon...I simply still love him.  That's just the way it is.   He told me he has a cell phone now, and all I wanted was that number...but I know exactly what would happen if I had it.  I would text him all the time, miss him even more than I do now, and get physically ill when I'd text him and he wouldn't text back for any reason.  And texting would be a constant reminder that if he's keeping in touch with me, he's keeping in touch with lots of girls, including those he cheated on me with...it would just be so bad.  I would implode from sadness.  I literally had to turn down his number for my sanity.

I'm not going to chat with him again for a while.  Today was all I can handle for now.  If it weren't for my plans, I would have just gone back to bed.  Tonight's going to be rough.  I'm avoiding my bed.  

We did discuss keeping in touch regarding writing projects.  That's a less direct way of keeping in touch with him...I will give that a try.

I tore myself away from the computer and went for a hike up Logan Canyon with Gram and Casey.  It was fun, I needed the fresh air after putting myself through that emotional roller coaster.

As soon as we came out of the canyon, the sun disappeared behind the clouds, it got windy, rainy, and started thundering and lightning! So we got out of there just in time! We talked about having another game day up on campus since last time we played chess up there it was so fun, and then I went home and watched She's Out of My League before going to belly dancing.

Belly dancing is something I desperately need right now.  It gives me so much confidence and is so fun and so familiar...I have missed it so much.  The music, the girls in my class, the costumes, the elegance, the teachers.  I am just so happy to be back in there that I wonder if I'm glowing the whole time.  That sounds stupid in words, but at this time in my life, I will definitely take feeling that way at any available moment.  I'm really glad that Mallory is taking it with me, too.  I like her a lot.  She and Brian met up with me, Dani, and Jenna at the Owl and we got burgers and big dogs.  I sucked down that beer like I had been stranded in the desert all day.  It was just so good.  Jenna left after only a half hour, Mallory and Brian eventually left, then Dani and I talked and vented for a while, and it was glorious.  We laughed.  We schemed.  We talked about moving down to Salt Lake and getting a two bedroom apartment.  One room for me, one room for her and Dustin.  That's pretty much the plan now.  I just really hope I can get a job there instead of a job in one of my fall back cities.

On that note, I am so grateful for my friends.  I know what it's like not to have friends.  I didn't have any friends other than people I was dating for a few years.  From my junior year in high school up until early 2008.  And yes, that was by choice...all of the friends that I had before my junior year in high school I either had a falling out with, or I was friends with them just to have friends, or I was simply over the friendship.  Socially, I really flourished in college.

I'm so happy to have people in my life that I genuinely like and care about.  It makes a difference when people have your back.          

On a completely different note, I didn't do any art today.  And I didn't write.  And haven't been practicing the piano.  What the hell? Unacceptable.