Poems/Ideas/Writing/Nonsense

Yesterday...

Felt sick.  Did what I had to do to get through the day.

Today...

I woke up and went and played chess with Casey up on campus.  It was too much fun.  A guy named Brady asked to join us and it ended up being me and Brady VS Casey, which soon became Brady VS Casey, and ended with Brady VS Brady.  The guy was into chess! While I was up there, I ran into Jordan, Nikki, Nichelle, and Kandis.  It was so much fun! They joined us at our table and the result was I was laughing the whole time! Good people is what they are.  And every time Jordan would recognize one of his friends and introduce us, it went like this: "This is Desiree.  She sells me and my wife underwear." Hehe.  Overall, I'm super glad Casey and I made plans.  I had such a good time! I needed to get out of the house and get some fresh air.  I also saw some of my ex's friends up on campus.  They were cool, I was cool, there was no weirdness.  I simply had a wonderful morning.  

Went home and laid around.  Watched Dexter with Weston and Gram.  Ate dinner.  Threw it up =(  Took a bath.  Blah.  I do not feel good.  I wish someone would take care of me.  I'm pretty sure I need to fall asleep being cuddled tonight.  Especially since my house is an ice cube.



I wrote these poems/ideas/writing/nonsense months ago, but I am starting to jot down some new ideas lately, so I wanted to post what my thought process has been so that when I post anything new, it will be a sort of time line...an evolution of thought.  Where I was, and where I'm going.

Stranger
My soul finds abandoned stars and proverbial hearts
In that darkness I'm forever wrapped up in
I tell myself I can see through the lack of backing
But I've forgotten what that sincerity means to me
I forgot the vanilla embrace I used as a way into dreams
I forgot those eyes
That image of standing on a rooftop
With the sun rising behind someone who is so sweet to me
I forgot that name and the easy flow of words
There's something I am missing
Something important that I have forgotten
Something is drifting away silently in the wind
Like sand through fingers
Wasn't something brilliant here?
Strange words and stranger nicknames?
Hey you
Whoever you are, wherever you are
Once upon a time we had a time
I'm sure that we did
But the phantom tides have carried it away
To hollow reservoirs echoing of unwarranted duplicities
Tranquil catastrophes
And maddening intensities of knowing nothing
It's alright
I don't connect the dots anymore
Too many days have passed since I have
But it's alright
It's alright
Because at least there was that place
Where I was happy and I think you were too
Where there were unsaid plans and genuine ease
I'll take that place of you and me
I'll take it and bookmark the place where it died
But when the final page is turned
I won't forget to look for you
Whoever you are

Consumed

And you? You're beautiful 

I'm fighting away the smiles you induce 

Losing the battle against sweet lies and empty words 

I look into those deceiving eyes 

Hear those mechanical words that you pull from your head 

Words repeated to countless faces  

I don't believe you 

You're a victim of your own defenses 

Yet I sit and fill my pages with your name 

I hate loving you 

Thinking away my day 

Pretending that I fall into your arms 

That I steal those velvet kisses 

Kisses I know are laced with lye

But I still want to hide my face in that neck 

Disappear beneath covers just to sleep beside you 

Dream beside you 

I love you baby 

Darling 

Sweetheart 

You are my greatest tragedy  

This is the part where I fill her shoes naively 

Her, as in every unconditional love

Every New Years Eve kiss and alcoholic fuck 

I can't wait to be added to your list of failures 

All I really want is to be a blank trophy 

Your blank trophy

Gather dust while you fill the mind of another with everything you ever said to me 

Break it to me 

Tell me it's over. Fake. That you're a liar. 

Tell me I'm right and that we were never going anywhere 

Tell me every I love you was false 

Tell me you'll find better 

Call me a mistake 

Tell me these things to rescue me from this itch 

But no 

I've never loved another as much as I love you, you say 

You are everything and more 

You're perfect 

Shut up 

Let's run away together, you'll speak up to cover my words 

I want you. I need you. 

Gorgeous, you complete my day 

Shut up shut up 

I'll always be here for you, you continue easily 

I can offer you dedication and promise 

Unconditional. Fantastical. Absolute. 

It's here where I take your words to heart 

Twist them so you don't have to 

I love you, I'll whisper 

I love you too, you'll whisper back 

Brush the hair from my face 

Liar 

Your warmth is like ice and your caresses barbed wire 

Somehow you'll be the victim in the end 

Gain the pity and attention of another and start from scratch 

You're a mistake, you finally whisper with a dedicated smile 

And you? I'll reply 

Caught up in the magic of the moment 

You are beautiful

Questions

I asked you what I could work on

I asked you if you wanted a break

I asked you if she meant anything to you

I asked you if I should be worried

I asked you what you needed

I asked you if I should stay or if I should go

I asked you if you wanted to talk about it

I asked you to help us solve our problems

I asked you to be honest

I asked you what she meant when she said that

I asked you if you wanted to be single 

I asked you where you wanted us to go

I asked you what I could do for you

I asked you what you wanted

I asked you if you had a preference

I asked you if you were warm enough

I asked you why she said you were together

I asked you if I could make you something to eat

I asked you why you were hurting

I asked you about your dreams

I asked you if you liked it like this or like that

I asked you if you were too tired

I asked you if tonight it could be just us

I asked you what was on your mind

I asked you about your day

I asked you what was wrong

I asked you if you needed more or needed less

I asked you if you need time

I asked you if you needed space

I asked you if you felt the same

I asked you to stay

I asked and I asked and I asked and I asked

You should have just told me

I wish you would have told me

Why didn't you tell me?

Why?

Why did you lie?

Why her? And her? Why her?

Why did you stay?

Why didn't you say no?

Why didn't you honor me?

Why didn't you respect me?

Why didn't you leave me first?

Why did you take my love?

Why did you take my time?

Why did you take my money?

Why did you take all of me?

Why was I the last to know?

Why did you do this?

Why did you accept her advances?

Why did you make advances?

Why did you say everyone else was lying?

Why did you lead me on?

Why did you let her into your bed?

Why did you climb into her bed?

Why didn't you tell me when I asked?

Why did you pick people I knew?

Why did you pick people in your circle?

Why would you want to make me look stupid?

Why would you tell them I was a burden?

Why was that OK with your conscience?

Why did you get defensive?

Why did it take you so long?

Why was it so easy to hurt me?

Why was it so easy to walk away?

Why would you hurt someone who loved you through and through?

Why? Why? Why? Why?

Now you're free and I have to clean up the mess

Defend my reputation, clear my name, put out the burning bridges

I asked you...Why didn't you answer?